Life Without Me

A topic that was on my mind more often than normal for a few months was Mr. G. and the Reds. As a mom and wife, it’s natural to think of your spouse and kids frequently. You hope they are safe, happy and on their best behavior when you aren’t around. As a mom and wife you take care of them when they are sick, hurt or upset. As a mom and wife you cry when they cry, hurt when they hurt and laugh when they laugh. But what happens if as a mom and wife, you may not be able to always make sure they are safe, happy, and content. What if you can’t cure their illness, bandage their ouwie’s or tell them silly stories. What if something were to happen to “Me”.

A few months ago I found myself in a place where I have never been before. For the most part, I’ve had a healthy life. A few minor things here and there, but nothing concerning by any means. Sparing all the details leading up to my situation, I found myself sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for her to come in and begin the procedure that would ultimately tell me what’s wrong. As women, we undergo many undesirable exams just to keep ourselves healthy. Sometimes those exams don’t produce the desired results. I found myself in that place this time. A place where I needed to have a biopsy to determine if my body had decided to revolt after 34 years of being healthy. Four painful biopsies later, we discussed the various scenario’s and next steps. Ya see, at this point I was already told that I have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. These tests were to determine the exact stage of my condition so I can get the proper treatment. It had been 6 weeks since I first found out and now I was going to have to wait another 3-5 days for the results. Mr. G. and I made a decision to not tell many family and friends because there wasn’t much to tell at this point. We didn’t want to deal with questions we didn’t have answers to or worry people if ultimately there was nothing to worry about.

When you get married, your life changes because you now have another person to think about. When you become a mom, the importance of your life changes tenfold. I love Mr. G. with all my heart and soul, but the love I have for the Reds is different. They are innocent little boys that need their mama. Mr. G. needs me to, as I do him, but these are my babies. The thought of me being sick and them not having the mom they are used to was devastating. The morbid thought of all three of them not having me at all was almost more than I could deal with.

For the next 7 days I barely ate, hardly slept, couldn’t concentrate and cried when no one else could see me. Mr. G. became the stronger one and I became the worry wart. As mom’s we worry about so many things when it comes to our kids and we know that one day, we won’t be around. My life plan never included exiting this earth at an early age, but I was being forced to go over this morbid thought. At this point some of you might say, you are totally overreacting. If you were that sick, you would know it, so stop with all this nonsense. Unfortunately, I am not programmed that way. Unless you have been in a similar situation, you really can’t understand the toll it takes on you emotionally. You never in a million years think you will be in the other person’s shoes and then you are.

On December 23rd my phone rang and it was a number I had known well by now. Partial biopsy results were back and my cell count is LOW! That was the best case scenario and what I had prayed for. Treatement = repeat tests in 6 months. If my status remains at low for at least 3 years, there is only a 20% chance that I will get the Big C. I will take the low results, 20% risk and try to remember what life was like before November 2nd and know that life will be great from this point on. At some point, many many years from now there will be life without me. For now, Mr. G. and the Reds will have Me around to smother them with love.

xoxo
Me