Cloudy Skies

Lately is seems like my skies, once filled with beautiful white puffy clouds (you know the ones that make you want to lie on your and daydream) have been scattered with dark and gloomy ones. The clouds that sit idly by until you get out of the store and then dumps buckets of rain on you. My gloomy clouds are caused by things out of my control, but things I have to deal with. For lack of a better cliche`, I've just been weathering the storm, hoping it would pass. Feeling discouraged and stressed as most of us do when we are weathering the storm, I vented to a friend who later that evening shared this wonderful quote with me.

Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky

~Anais Nin

The very poignant words of Anais Nin almost instantly brought it all into perspective for me. I have a sky full of the white puffy clouds and I was letting this one pesky grey one ruin my outlook on things. It's still a beautiful sky, perfect for daydreaming, but I wasn't allowing myself to see that.

As reactive humans, I believe we tend to turn even the smallest grey cloud into the largest gloom and doom thunderstorm we've ever experienced. There's a lot we should be thankful for during this unsettling and unstable time. Although it may seem like there is one white puffy cloud in a sky of thunderheads, in the grand scheme of things it could be much worse. So I'm going to embrace my cloudy skies, whether they are filled with white puffy daydreaming clouds or the unpredictable gloom and doom ones.

XOXO

Me

Unsaid, Undone

In our very short time here on earth, we will have left so many things unsaid. We will have left many many things undone. For various reasons we let our fear of the "what if" get in the way of taking the leap of faith or doing something out of our comfort zone. Maybe the fear of how others will react keeps us from saying what needs to be said.

The other morning while driving to work, a song came on the radio that reminded me of a man I love very much that passed away in April. I honestly don't know why it remained me of him, but it triggered many memories. I began to feel very emotional, sentimental and surprisingly a little regretful. I began to wonder if he was trying to tell me something. Had I not said what I needed to him before he died? Had I not given him the respect he deserved? Was he looking down on me and trying to tell me that he was unhappy with something I was or wasn't doing? But then I thought, not a chance. The emotional and sentimental feelings were present because not only was my grandfather a wonderful man, but he helped you make the best memories. The regret, well the only explanation that came to mind then (and now) is that maybe I didn't do enough for my kids to build fonder memories with him that they won't forget. What I do know for a fact is that I didn't leave anything unsaid with him. He knew how much I loved him. Whether it was a goodbye hug at the end of a family gathering or the final kiss I gave him on his cheek and the whisper in his ear telling him how much I loved him; he knew. I do believe that ultimately he was trying to tell me something on my drive into work that morning. I have lots of undone's and a few unsaid's I need to get to. My number one undone is to finish my book that I started writing back in 2008. A book about a very difficult time for me and how I came out on the other side. A healing book for not just me, but hopefully for others. A book that may just be a stepping stone to greater things.

xoxo

Me

Finding A Balance

Lately I've had a lot weighing on my mind. As I get older and the reds get older, life has gotten very hectic and it makes my heart hurt that I miss so much of the fun stuff. It's mostly the fun school stuff like field trips, awards ceremonies, the occassional lunch together and volunteering in the classroom. I HATE that I have to get my kids up at 6:15am so that I can drop them off at daycare by 7:15am so that I can drive another 45 minutes to work. I know that parents have been doing this for ages, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I long for the days when the reds were younger and I had all the flexibility in the world with my work schedule. I was fortunate enough to work from home a few days a week when they were infants and it was a blessing for this new mom. I was even more fortunate when I was laid off and was able to spend almost 6 months at home with them. During that time I discovered that I'm at my best when I have a good balance between being a mom and being a professional.

Lately, I've lost that balance and can't seem to find my way back. The rising cost of everything makes me question why I even work, but then the whole desire to eat and the need to pay those pesky bills gets in the way. It's very hard to live in this state with one income and still be able to provide for your family. I'm sure it's possible, but for our family, right now, it's not. I only have so much vacation time so I'm not able to take off work for every school function or sports event. With two in elementary school, the demand for my time will only increase and that weighs heavy on my mind. How will I choose and who will I have to disappoint? Why should I have to make those decisions? I'm their mom and my job is make them happy, not break one's heart and go on a field trip with the other. So my next goal is to try and find that balance.....again. But for now, I am thankful of the time I do have with the reds, even if it's not an equal balance.

xoxo

Me

Precious Things

Thanks to my friend Laura Craig, I am addicted to Pinterest. It can suck you in like Angry Birds and make an hour go by just-like-that! While I was pinning tonight I came across the image above with a quote by Oscar Wilde. "In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you". At first it was the background picture that caught my eye. There's just something about a vintage looking picture that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think it's because the picture or item has a story behind it. A story that I imagine is from an era where life was more difficult than many generations from now will ever experience. Where there were the rich and the poor, no middle class. A time where a young mother was forced to sell a hair pin that her great grandmother wore when she married her one true love, just so her family could eat. A time where men sacrificed time with their family in order to work to the point of exhaustion in the hopes that their crop would produce enough to sustain his family through what would be another harsh winter. A time that most of us will only ever know from reading a text book or wikipedia. :-) But Oscar Wilde said it the best, the precious things in our soul cannot be taken from us. The things in our soul are who we are and what we carry with us. That is what makes up our memory book, not what kind of car we drive (that maybe we can't afford) or how big our bank accounts are. Those are things that can easily be taken away from us. The precious things that we imprint on our souls are the ones we never have to worry about losing.

xoxo

Me