Don't Stop Believing

Tonight on my drive home I was humming one of my favorite songs; Don't Stop Believing by Journey. I don't have a clue why I love this song so much. It's not a song chalked full of inspirational lyrics. It isn't attached to a sentimental event or person in my life. Maybe it's the 80's connection and my love for just about everything from the 80's. Regardless, I love turning up the volume as loud as it will go (or I can tolerate) and signing my heart out to this song. So here I am, on my drive home from the gold country to the central valley and as I'm scanning the radio stations, it happened. I hear the first few cords and almost instantly my mood went from irritated to giddy. The volume went up, the windows came down (slightly) and the lyrics flowed out of my mouth. For those brief 3 minutes and whatever seconds, I forgot about everything going on around me that is weighing heavy on my heart and mind. And when the song was over the smile on my face and giddiness I felt didn't fade. So maybe that's why I love that song so much. It has the ability to instantly bring sunshine to my day. And maybe someone knew that I needed to hear those three little words that I've been lacking in my attitude lately....Don't Stop Believing!!!!

xoxo

Me

More than a Name

To say I’ve been a little stressed lately is a huge understatement. I hate to abuse the written word with negativity, so I will try to keep my less than positive talk to a minimum (no promises). When you are born, your parents aren’t handed a Raising Children 101 owner’s manual. There are thousands of books out there that tell you what to expect, how to sooth, when to feed, not to spank, etc. But no two people are alike and there’s no way to write a book to cover every situation and personality. The same thing applies as we get older. There isn’t an owner’s manual on how to be an adult. There isn’t a road map of how to’s, FAQ’s or troubleshooting. There isn’t anything that tells you how to be “More than a Name”.

To understand why this latest blog received that title, I will have to insert a little background. If you know anything about me and my professional career, you know that I take an extreme amount of pride in my work. If you aren’t quite sure what I do M-F, from 8 am -4:30 pm, Google what does a planner do and you will find a few articles on a day in the life of an urban planner. I chose this profession because it’s one that intrigues me, opens up the creative side of my personality and challenges me to think outside the box. I have spent a considerable amount of time making sure that what I say, do or write is accurate and reflects the most current rules, regulations and case law. I’ve worked hard to be “More than a Name”. So when I feel like my integrity or ability is being questioned, I will fight to maintain what I have worked so hard for. Similar to a mama bear with her cubs and how she will protect them no matter what the ultimate price is.

The downside of this profession is when the economy goes south and development slows to a turtle’s pace, downsizing begins and many planners find themselves unemployed. So in this profession you have to be “More than a Name” or you won’t survive. I figured that out early on in my career and knew that having the professional respect of fellow colleagues, the development community and the public was one important factor in succeeding. This all circles back around to my comment about maintaining what I have worked so hard for.

You might have a pretty smile and can chat it up with the best of them, but that only goes so far. You have to be genuine, follow through and be fair and equitable. This applies to life in general, personal or professional. There isn’t an owner’s manual or road map that tells you how to do these things and to me what should seem like common sense, I suppose is not. Is it really that hard to be genuine, follow through and be fair and equitable? Regardless, I learned another hard lesson this week (one that I’ve learned many times before) and that is, that I cannot control what others do. I can only control what others perceive ME as. And that is why I will always strive to be “More than a Name”.

xoxo

Me

A True Soldier

Ralph Grau was a husband to Theresa for 38 years. Father to Robert, Michael and his wife Dottie, Mary, Cheryl, Vincent and his wife Denise, and Terry and her husband Craig. Grandfather to Shannon, Darcy and her husband Jeremy, James and his wife Jennifer, Mathew, Steven, Raymond, Daniel, Derrick, Casey and Katherine. Great-grandfather to Jonathan, Samuel, Lucas, and Braden. Brother to Edna Mitzer.

He served his country as a marine in the early 40's and was one of 14 survivors left in California that served in Iwo Jima. While in Iwo Jima he was wounded twice and was awarded the Purple Heart. He was proud of being a marine and was always willing to share a war story or two.

Many of you may have known him as the friend that prayed along side you, sat behind you in church or met you for breakfast at Johnny's but we would like to share with you the man you may not have known.

Back in his day, he would sport a neckerchief and take our grandmother square dancing. For several years he spent countless hours raising parakeets. What started out as a few, grew into a patio of many. Like most people he had his own rituals. Every night before bed he would enjoy a bowl of Kellogg's rice krispes. He only like vanilla ice cream, not French vanilla; and if you asked what the difference was you'd better have an hour to listen to his explanation. After church, regardless of a morning or evening mass, he enjoyed going out to eat. His morning breakfast for the grand kids before taking us to school was always cornflakes and orange juice.

The smile on his face will be a lasting memory fin our hearts. He was a confidant, friend and someone who will always be by our side. The love and happiness he gave, will last us all a lifetime.

Cloudy Skies

Lately is seems like my skies, once filled with beautiful white puffy clouds (you know the ones that make you want to lie on your and daydream) have been scattered with dark and gloomy ones. The clouds that sit idly by until you get out of the store and then dumps buckets of rain on you. My gloomy clouds are caused by things out of my control, but things I have to deal with. For lack of a better cliche`, I've just been weathering the storm, hoping it would pass. Feeling discouraged and stressed as most of us do when we are weathering the storm, I vented to a friend who later that evening shared this wonderful quote with me.

Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky

~Anais Nin

The very poignant words of Anais Nin almost instantly brought it all into perspective for me. I have a sky full of the white puffy clouds and I was letting this one pesky grey one ruin my outlook on things. It's still a beautiful sky, perfect for daydreaming, but I wasn't allowing myself to see that.

As reactive humans, I believe we tend to turn even the smallest grey cloud into the largest gloom and doom thunderstorm we've ever experienced. There's a lot we should be thankful for during this unsettling and unstable time. Although it may seem like there is one white puffy cloud in a sky of thunderheads, in the grand scheme of things it could be much worse. So I'm going to embrace my cloudy skies, whether they are filled with white puffy daydreaming clouds or the unpredictable gloom and doom ones.

XOXO

Me

Unsaid, Undone

In our very short time here on earth, we will have left so many things unsaid. We will have left many many things undone. For various reasons we let our fear of the "what if" get in the way of taking the leap of faith or doing something out of our comfort zone. Maybe the fear of how others will react keeps us from saying what needs to be said.

The other morning while driving to work, a song came on the radio that reminded me of a man I love very much that passed away in April. I honestly don't know why it remained me of him, but it triggered many memories. I began to feel very emotional, sentimental and surprisingly a little regretful. I began to wonder if he was trying to tell me something. Had I not said what I needed to him before he died? Had I not given him the respect he deserved? Was he looking down on me and trying to tell me that he was unhappy with something I was or wasn't doing? But then I thought, not a chance. The emotional and sentimental feelings were present because not only was my grandfather a wonderful man, but he helped you make the best memories. The regret, well the only explanation that came to mind then (and now) is that maybe I didn't do enough for my kids to build fonder memories with him that they won't forget. What I do know for a fact is that I didn't leave anything unsaid with him. He knew how much I loved him. Whether it was a goodbye hug at the end of a family gathering or the final kiss I gave him on his cheek and the whisper in his ear telling him how much I loved him; he knew. I do believe that ultimately he was trying to tell me something on my drive into work that morning. I have lots of undone's and a few unsaid's I need to get to. My number one undone is to finish my book that I started writing back in 2008. A book about a very difficult time for me and how I came out on the other side. A healing book for not just me, but hopefully for others. A book that may just be a stepping stone to greater things.

xoxo

Me

Finding A Balance

Lately I've had a lot weighing on my mind. As I get older and the reds get older, life has gotten very hectic and it makes my heart hurt that I miss so much of the fun stuff. It's mostly the fun school stuff like field trips, awards ceremonies, the occassional lunch together and volunteering in the classroom. I HATE that I have to get my kids up at 6:15am so that I can drop them off at daycare by 7:15am so that I can drive another 45 minutes to work. I know that parents have been doing this for ages, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I long for the days when the reds were younger and I had all the flexibility in the world with my work schedule. I was fortunate enough to work from home a few days a week when they were infants and it was a blessing for this new mom. I was even more fortunate when I was laid off and was able to spend almost 6 months at home with them. During that time I discovered that I'm at my best when I have a good balance between being a mom and being a professional.

Lately, I've lost that balance and can't seem to find my way back. The rising cost of everything makes me question why I even work, but then the whole desire to eat and the need to pay those pesky bills gets in the way. It's very hard to live in this state with one income and still be able to provide for your family. I'm sure it's possible, but for our family, right now, it's not. I only have so much vacation time so I'm not able to take off work for every school function or sports event. With two in elementary school, the demand for my time will only increase and that weighs heavy on my mind. How will I choose and who will I have to disappoint? Why should I have to make those decisions? I'm their mom and my job is make them happy, not break one's heart and go on a field trip with the other. So my next goal is to try and find that balance.....again. But for now, I am thankful of the time I do have with the reds, even if it's not an equal balance.

xoxo

Me

Precious Things

Thanks to my friend Laura Craig, I am addicted to Pinterest. It can suck you in like Angry Birds and make an hour go by just-like-that! While I was pinning tonight I came across the image above with a quote by Oscar Wilde. "In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you". At first it was the background picture that caught my eye. There's just something about a vintage looking picture that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think it's because the picture or item has a story behind it. A story that I imagine is from an era where life was more difficult than many generations from now will ever experience. Where there were the rich and the poor, no middle class. A time where a young mother was forced to sell a hair pin that her great grandmother wore when she married her one true love, just so her family could eat. A time where men sacrificed time with their family in order to work to the point of exhaustion in the hopes that their crop would produce enough to sustain his family through what would be another harsh winter. A time that most of us will only ever know from reading a text book or wikipedia. :-) But Oscar Wilde said it the best, the precious things in our soul cannot be taken from us. The things in our soul are who we are and what we carry with us. That is what makes up our memory book, not what kind of car we drive (that maybe we can't afford) or how big our bank accounts are. Those are things that can easily be taken away from us. The precious things that we imprint on our souls are the ones we never have to worry about losing.

xoxo

Me