More than a Name

To say I’ve been a little stressed lately is a huge understatement. I hate to abuse the written word with negativity, so I will try to keep my less than positive talk to a minimum (no promises). When you are born, your parents aren’t handed a Raising Children 101 owner’s manual. There are thousands of books out there that tell you what to expect, how to sooth, when to feed, not to spank, etc. But no two people are alike and there’s no way to write a book to cover every situation and personality. The same thing applies as we get older. There isn’t an owner’s manual on how to be an adult. There isn’t a road map of how to’s, FAQ’s or troubleshooting. There isn’t anything that tells you how to be “More than a Name”.

To understand why this latest blog received that title, I will have to insert a little background. If you know anything about me and my professional career, you know that I take an extreme amount of pride in my work. If you aren’t quite sure what I do M-F, from 8 am -4:30 pm, Google what does a planner do and you will find a few articles on a day in the life of an urban planner. I chose this profession because it’s one that intrigues me, opens up the creative side of my personality and challenges me to think outside the box. I have spent a considerable amount of time making sure that what I say, do or write is accurate and reflects the most current rules, regulations and case law. I’ve worked hard to be “More than a Name”. So when I feel like my integrity or ability is being questioned, I will fight to maintain what I have worked so hard for. Similar to a mama bear with her cubs and how she will protect them no matter what the ultimate price is.

The downside of this profession is when the economy goes south and development slows to a turtle’s pace, downsizing begins and many planners find themselves unemployed. So in this profession you have to be “More than a Name” or you won’t survive. I figured that out early on in my career and knew that having the professional respect of fellow colleagues, the development community and the public was one important factor in succeeding. This all circles back around to my comment about maintaining what I have worked so hard for.

You might have a pretty smile and can chat it up with the best of them, but that only goes so far. You have to be genuine, follow through and be fair and equitable. This applies to life in general, personal or professional. There isn’t an owner’s manual or road map that tells you how to do these things and to me what should seem like common sense, I suppose is not. Is it really that hard to be genuine, follow through and be fair and equitable? Regardless, I learned another hard lesson this week (one that I’ve learned many times before) and that is, that I cannot control what others do. I can only control what others perceive ME as. And that is why I will always strive to be “More than a Name”.

xoxo

Me

A True Soldier

Ralph Grau was a husband to Theresa for 38 years. Father to Robert, Michael and his wife Dottie, Mary, Cheryl, Vincent and his wife Denise, and Terry and her husband Craig. Grandfather to Shannon, Darcy and her husband Jeremy, James and his wife Jennifer, Mathew, Steven, Raymond, Daniel, Derrick, Casey and Katherine. Great-grandfather to Jonathan, Samuel, Lucas, and Braden. Brother to Edna Mitzer.

He served his country as a marine in the early 40's and was one of 14 survivors left in California that served in Iwo Jima. While in Iwo Jima he was wounded twice and was awarded the Purple Heart. He was proud of being a marine and was always willing to share a war story or two.

Many of you may have known him as the friend that prayed along side you, sat behind you in church or met you for breakfast at Johnny's but we would like to share with you the man you may not have known.

Back in his day, he would sport a neckerchief and take our grandmother square dancing. For several years he spent countless hours raising parakeets. What started out as a few, grew into a patio of many. Like most people he had his own rituals. Every night before bed he would enjoy a bowl of Kellogg's rice krispes. He only like vanilla ice cream, not French vanilla; and if you asked what the difference was you'd better have an hour to listen to his explanation. After church, regardless of a morning or evening mass, he enjoyed going out to eat. His morning breakfast for the grand kids before taking us to school was always cornflakes and orange juice.

The smile on his face will be a lasting memory fin our hearts. He was a confidant, friend and someone who will always be by our side. The love and happiness he gave, will last us all a lifetime.

Cloudy Skies

Lately is seems like my skies, once filled with beautiful white puffy clouds (you know the ones that make you want to lie on your and daydream) have been scattered with dark and gloomy ones. The clouds that sit idly by until you get out of the store and then dumps buckets of rain on you. My gloomy clouds are caused by things out of my control, but things I have to deal with. For lack of a better cliche`, I've just been weathering the storm, hoping it would pass. Feeling discouraged and stressed as most of us do when we are weathering the storm, I vented to a friend who later that evening shared this wonderful quote with me.

Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky

~Anais Nin

The very poignant words of Anais Nin almost instantly brought it all into perspective for me. I have a sky full of the white puffy clouds and I was letting this one pesky grey one ruin my outlook on things. It's still a beautiful sky, perfect for daydreaming, but I wasn't allowing myself to see that.

As reactive humans, I believe we tend to turn even the smallest grey cloud into the largest gloom and doom thunderstorm we've ever experienced. There's a lot we should be thankful for during this unsettling and unstable time. Although it may seem like there is one white puffy cloud in a sky of thunderheads, in the grand scheme of things it could be much worse. So I'm going to embrace my cloudy skies, whether they are filled with white puffy daydreaming clouds or the unpredictable gloom and doom ones.

XOXO

Me

Unsaid, Undone

In our very short time here on earth, we will have left so many things unsaid. We will have left many many things undone. For various reasons we let our fear of the "what if" get in the way of taking the leap of faith or doing something out of our comfort zone. Maybe the fear of how others will react keeps us from saying what needs to be said.

The other morning while driving to work, a song came on the radio that reminded me of a man I love very much that passed away in April. I honestly don't know why it remained me of him, but it triggered many memories. I began to feel very emotional, sentimental and surprisingly a little regretful. I began to wonder if he was trying to tell me something. Had I not said what I needed to him before he died? Had I not given him the respect he deserved? Was he looking down on me and trying to tell me that he was unhappy with something I was or wasn't doing? But then I thought, not a chance. The emotional and sentimental feelings were present because not only was my grandfather a wonderful man, but he helped you make the best memories. The regret, well the only explanation that came to mind then (and now) is that maybe I didn't do enough for my kids to build fonder memories with him that they won't forget. What I do know for a fact is that I didn't leave anything unsaid with him. He knew how much I loved him. Whether it was a goodbye hug at the end of a family gathering or the final kiss I gave him on his cheek and the whisper in his ear telling him how much I loved him; he knew. I do believe that ultimately he was trying to tell me something on my drive into work that morning. I have lots of undone's and a few unsaid's I need to get to. My number one undone is to finish my book that I started writing back in 2008. A book about a very difficult time for me and how I came out on the other side. A healing book for not just me, but hopefully for others. A book that may just be a stepping stone to greater things.

xoxo

Me

Finding A Balance

Lately I've had a lot weighing on my mind. As I get older and the reds get older, life has gotten very hectic and it makes my heart hurt that I miss so much of the fun stuff. It's mostly the fun school stuff like field trips, awards ceremonies, the occassional lunch together and volunteering in the classroom. I HATE that I have to get my kids up at 6:15am so that I can drop them off at daycare by 7:15am so that I can drive another 45 minutes to work. I know that parents have been doing this for ages, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I long for the days when the reds were younger and I had all the flexibility in the world with my work schedule. I was fortunate enough to work from home a few days a week when they were infants and it was a blessing for this new mom. I was even more fortunate when I was laid off and was able to spend almost 6 months at home with them. During that time I discovered that I'm at my best when I have a good balance between being a mom and being a professional.

Lately, I've lost that balance and can't seem to find my way back. The rising cost of everything makes me question why I even work, but then the whole desire to eat and the need to pay those pesky bills gets in the way. It's very hard to live in this state with one income and still be able to provide for your family. I'm sure it's possible, but for our family, right now, it's not. I only have so much vacation time so I'm not able to take off work for every school function or sports event. With two in elementary school, the demand for my time will only increase and that weighs heavy on my mind. How will I choose and who will I have to disappoint? Why should I have to make those decisions? I'm their mom and my job is make them happy, not break one's heart and go on a field trip with the other. So my next goal is to try and find that balance.....again. But for now, I am thankful of the time I do have with the reds, even if it's not an equal balance.

xoxo

Me

Precious Things

Thanks to my friend Laura Craig, I am addicted to Pinterest. It can suck you in like Angry Birds and make an hour go by just-like-that! While I was pinning tonight I came across the image above with a quote by Oscar Wilde. "In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you". At first it was the background picture that caught my eye. There's just something about a vintage looking picture that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think it's because the picture or item has a story behind it. A story that I imagine is from an era where life was more difficult than many generations from now will ever experience. Where there were the rich and the poor, no middle class. A time where a young mother was forced to sell a hair pin that her great grandmother wore when she married her one true love, just so her family could eat. A time where men sacrificed time with their family in order to work to the point of exhaustion in the hopes that their crop would produce enough to sustain his family through what would be another harsh winter. A time that most of us will only ever know from reading a text book or wikipedia. :-) But Oscar Wilde said it the best, the precious things in our soul cannot be taken from us. The things in our soul are who we are and what we carry with us. That is what makes up our memory book, not what kind of car we drive (that maybe we can't afford) or how big our bank accounts are. Those are things that can easily be taken away from us. The precious things that we imprint on our souls are the ones we never have to worry about losing.

xoxo

Me

Passion

In my short 35 years of life, I've come across many people that have a passion for something. Not like a hobby that passes the time, but a real deep passion that I think can't be explained or understood because it can't be compared. For some it's photography, music, cooking and even working. For me, I'm not sure I've found that passion. I love being a mom and if you've read any of my previous posts you can see how much I adore the reds. They are my heart and soul, not my passion. I like to read and bake, but I'm not passionate about it. So sometimes I wonder, will I ever find that passion and will I not have lived a fulling life if I never find that passion??

As I sit here in a very quiet house surrounded by furry friends and type away on this latest post, I know that this is what comes easy to me. I'm never at a loss for words and it never feels forced. I get giddy inside at the thought of pulling out a notebook and my favorite pen to write down my thoughts. So then I think, could I blog about stuff everyday and be happy. I probably could (and if someone paid me, it would be even better). Am I passionate about it??? Well, I love to write. It makes me happy. I want to do it more, but can't find the time. I've had chapters of a book written for several years now, but can't seem to finish. By golly maybe I've found something to be passionate about. Maybe it's something that one day could put me on the NY Times Best Seller List. But if it doesn't, I'll still enjoy the simple ease of jotting down the written word.

xoxo

Me......

Did you know?

Did you know that when you go to bed, I stay up to fold that last load of laundry, load the dishwasher and make tomorrow's lunch?

Did you know that I love hugging your tears away and putting character band aids on that mystery owie?

Did you know that when you grow up you will probably still love macaroni and cheese?

Did you know that a homemade picture is more precious than any gift you could give?

Did you know that I will always put your needs before mine?

Did you know that sometimes at night I watch you sleep just so I can steal one more glimpse of heaven?

Did you know that I love you a little more each day, even on the days that you push the limits?

Did you know that I would walk to the ends of the earth and back to take away every single pain you have ever felt?

Did you know that there are plenty of times that I don't want to say no, but know I have to?

Did you know you gave me my most challenging and rewarding role?

And finally, did you know that I will never think you are too old to need your mom?

XOXO
Me

Round Em Up

It's that time again in our household...Kindergarten Roundup! It's a process dreaded by most parents because it makes us realize our babies are getting older and so are we. The first time I did this, it was painless for the most part. Sure I forgot to turn in a copy of someone's birth certificate until the week before school started, but it all worked out. Today is the "official" first day we devoted parent are allowed to get our grubby little hands on a registration packet. It also happens to be the last "official" day to turn in an IDA form. What's an IDA form you ask? It's the "official" Intra-District Agreement form that must be filled out and signed by everyone, including the Queen of England. I have to fill one out each year in the hopes that my soon to be 2nd grader and Kindergartener will be allowed to remain at a school that we love.

I arrived at school #1 this morning to give them a copy of both reds IDA forms. Last year they were kind enough to allow me to submit the form through them, rather than through the primary attendance school. However, that is not the propert procedure so this year I wasn't allowed to do that.

Off to school #2...wait!!! Why didn't I pick up the kindergarten packet at school #1 you ask? Well in the words of my friend Jessica, we live in Yemin and our "official" primary school is only a 2-6 grade. There's another school that's even further out that takes all K-1st graders. So off to school #2 where I was hoping to drop off one of the IDA forms for my soon to be 2nd grader. Logic would say if school #2 is our primary school for grade 2-6, I would need to submit the form there. Apparently logic wasn't part of today's fun. I was turned away at school #2 and sent to school #3.

School #3 promises to take both IDA forms and my kindergarten registration packet. I fill it out and wait and wait until it's my turn to hand over the goodies. She takes copies of everything, but oh wait...Mrs. Goulart, I can't accept this. It seems as though your son is missing a few shots. Anticipating this issue, I looked over the required shots last night and compared them to what little red already had. He was missing the 2nd MMR which the form clearly said, required prior to entering Kindergarten. She proceeds to tell me he needs that shot before she will take the paperwork. So I kindly said, well the woman that was ahead of me didn't have an official stamped copy of the birth certificate and you took hers (she did ask her to come back with an official stamped version). She says, well technically it was all there, she just needs the stamp. If that logic makes any sense to anyone else, then I'm doomed. I was allowed to submit the IDA forms and told to come back with the packet after my child has been traumitized with a needle.

So here I sit, defeated by what should of been a simple process to enroll my child in school. The even more frustrating part that will confuse you even more....ready....school #2 is undergoing a $3million expansion that could turn it into a K-8 grade. Logic would say, then you close school #3 and have all the kids go to school #2. Wrong again. At this point the school Board hasn't made that decision, but hey $3 million on a school expansion that you don't intend to really use...that's logic. If the reds don't get their IDA's approved, then next school year we will have a 2nd grader at school #2 and a Kindergartener at school #3. Happy Monday!

xoxo

Me

Life Without Me

A topic that was on my mind more often than normal for a few months was Mr. G. and the Reds. As a mom and wife, it’s natural to think of your spouse and kids frequently. You hope they are safe, happy and on their best behavior when you aren’t around. As a mom and wife you take care of them when they are sick, hurt or upset. As a mom and wife you cry when they cry, hurt when they hurt and laugh when they laugh. But what happens if as a mom and wife, you may not be able to always make sure they are safe, happy, and content. What if you can’t cure their illness, bandage their ouwie’s or tell them silly stories. What if something were to happen to “Me”.

A few months ago I found myself in a place where I have never been before. For the most part, I’ve had a healthy life. A few minor things here and there, but nothing concerning by any means. Sparing all the details leading up to my situation, I found myself sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for her to come in and begin the procedure that would ultimately tell me what’s wrong. As women, we undergo many undesirable exams just to keep ourselves healthy. Sometimes those exams don’t produce the desired results. I found myself in that place this time. A place where I needed to have a biopsy to determine if my body had decided to revolt after 34 years of being healthy. Four painful biopsies later, we discussed the various scenario’s and next steps. Ya see, at this point I was already told that I have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. These tests were to determine the exact stage of my condition so I can get the proper treatment. It had been 6 weeks since I first found out and now I was going to have to wait another 3-5 days for the results. Mr. G. and I made a decision to not tell many family and friends because there wasn’t much to tell at this point. We didn’t want to deal with questions we didn’t have answers to or worry people if ultimately there was nothing to worry about.

When you get married, your life changes because you now have another person to think about. When you become a mom, the importance of your life changes tenfold. I love Mr. G. with all my heart and soul, but the love I have for the Reds is different. They are innocent little boys that need their mama. Mr. G. needs me to, as I do him, but these are my babies. The thought of me being sick and them not having the mom they are used to was devastating. The morbid thought of all three of them not having me at all was almost more than I could deal with.

For the next 7 days I barely ate, hardly slept, couldn’t concentrate and cried when no one else could see me. Mr. G. became the stronger one and I became the worry wart. As mom’s we worry about so many things when it comes to our kids and we know that one day, we won’t be around. My life plan never included exiting this earth at an early age, but I was being forced to go over this morbid thought. At this point some of you might say, you are totally overreacting. If you were that sick, you would know it, so stop with all this nonsense. Unfortunately, I am not programmed that way. Unless you have been in a similar situation, you really can’t understand the toll it takes on you emotionally. You never in a million years think you will be in the other person’s shoes and then you are.

On December 23rd my phone rang and it was a number I had known well by now. Partial biopsy results were back and my cell count is LOW! That was the best case scenario and what I had prayed for. Treatement = repeat tests in 6 months. If my status remains at low for at least 3 years, there is only a 20% chance that I will get the Big C. I will take the low results, 20% risk and try to remember what life was like before November 2nd and know that life will be great from this point on. At some point, many many years from now there will be life without me. For now, Mr. G. and the Reds will have Me around to smother them with love.

xoxo
Me

2011 = Exciting

2011!!! Here we are again. Three days into the new year and some people have probably broke their resolutions, gotten off to a rocky start or haven't come up with a plan to not repeat the bad of 2010. I myself don't make specific resolutions. I come up with a list of things I want to accomplish which some may say is a form of making a resolution. It's not elaborate and doesn't include unattainable things like winning the lottery (have to play to win) or becoming the next Top Chef :-) I fill mine with things like, spend more quality time with the reds, find more quiet time for me, vow to not let the laundry pile up, take the dog for more walks, etc. I might throw in a few things that require extra effort, but for the most part the list is almost like a daily checklist to keep myself in line and remind me of what's important.

As for the title of this blog, there will be some exciting things going on in our world this year. Do I know exactly what all those exciting things are...nope, but I have faith that it will be a great year. 2010 wasn't all that bad for us, which is why I have drawn the conclusion that 2011 = Exciting. Some notable moments for our household were a new job for Me after being unemployed for 5 1/2 months, family camping trips to the mountains and the coast, Mr. G. becoming VP of the FESM, the reds excitement on Christmas morning when they opened up the one thing they had been asking for since the day after last Christmas, adopting our lab Geronimo from the rescue center, finding out that the reds Godparents and our dear friends were expecting a baby in January 2011 (only a few more days), celebrating our 10 year anniversary with close friends and family, receiving great news from my dr. 2 days before Christmas, making new friends and reconnecting with old ones, being in a house that finally feels like home again after so many years of moving around and finally....this is more of a personal thing....getting to a point in my life where I know how to appreciate what I have and the opportunities that each day brings. So do I know for sure that 2011 will be exciting? Yep, I sure do.

xoxo

~Me